Illuminade

It's been a while

2006-08-03T11:47:00.000-04:00

Guess it's been a while since I've posted.

There simply came a time when I was too tired of talking about cancer, or reading or even just thinking about cancer - and there came a time when I was just simply too tired.

And I can't say that I'm through with either - but I did want to update - and hopefull they'll be more.

For now - I'm through with Chemo - all in all it went well. They pump you with enough drugs to combat nausea and such that it was tolerable.

Now I'm in radiation - and that too is going well. I'm tired, but so much closer to the end then the beginning. What a great feeling.

Oh, and my hair is starting to come back :D

Adrift

2006-04-21T23:01:00.000-04:00

There is something
about a woman
with no breasts

trying to write a poem
about her husband's socks
and the way he makes her
breakfast

becoming distracted
by a draft of air
across her scalp

discovering her two teenage boys
singing.

It's National Poetry Month

2006-04-04T21:09:00.000-04:00

so I thought I'd share this find.

Plexus

I may even print out the 2005 edition so I can read it during my next treatment.

Re: Poetry

2006-03-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to use some of my time to get back into the reading and writing of poetry and I found myself inspired to try a bit of Minimalist Concrete Poetry.

Here's my go at it - "Biopsy"

And for those who like a bit more substance, I've found myself drawn to some of the works of Doriane Laux and thought I'd share.

Update

2006-03-25T14:13:00.000-05:00

Today is Day 11, and it's the best I've felt since D1. I still don't have much energy - folding one load of whites wore me out yesterday, but I think that might have more to do with the mastectomy then the chemo. I have no arm strength.

I'll be getting Neulasta shots to boost my white blood counts one week, and Aranesp the following week to boost my red's. Both of these left me feeling pretty achy and tired. This first week I also needed an Infed Infusion to help with anemia. This took around 4 hours to administer so I'm glad it doesn't happen often.

BTW - Chemo is also more time consuming than I expected. I thought I'd be at the center every Wednesday (D1/D8) - turns out I'm there Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Wednesday.

All in all the process isn't so terrible, certainly not pleasant. The people at the Cancer Center are wonderful, and in suprisingly good spirits, which really helps the patients deal with the emotions of what it is they are dealing with.

The next big event is Monday .....buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Disability or not?

2006-03-09T02:34:00.000-05:00

If you can - do it.

One of the best things about being out on disability - is flexibility.
Everytime an appointment is added or adjusted - I deal with it - no problem. If I was working, and had deadlines to meet, and had to make my time up everytime I was out - I'd be so stressed out it would have to be unhealthy.

Just a Sample:

Friday: Got a phone call - "Please go to [out of town hospital] to get CD of MRI records for Radiation Oncologist on Tuesday, and to [downtown medical center] to get Mammogram's from first appointment in October".

Monday: Go to [Surgical Hospital] to preregister; go to [downtown medical center] to get Mammogram's from first visit. (BTW - they weren't there - [out of town hospital] hadn't returned them yet from appointment in January.)

Tuesday: See Radiation Oncologist - who didn't look at MRI data

Wednesday: Take Son to see Orthopaedic (he may have broken/bone bruised his elbow just over a week ago and had a call back visit - real life does go on); also got a call this morning to go into work to get personal stuff - they're moving my workspace this weekend.

Thursday: Go to [Surgical Hospital]. Initially just port placement - be there at 10:30; As of wednesday afternoon it is lab work, ekg & port placement - be there at 9:00.

Friday: R&R!!!!!

We have a decision

2006-03-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

Yes. We finally came to a decision concerning radiation. Actually, I came to this decision a long time ago - it was just getting the rest of the team on board that seemed to take so long. I am going to get radiation - and I'm thrilled.

I want to know that at the end of the day, I've done everything I could to fight this. I didn't have confidence in the justification for not considering radiation, so I thought it needed to be discussed;which is what the National recommendations call for. So if you are a 1-3 node positive patient please ask that the specifics of your case be discussed - it truly is a gray area - and this decision is crucial. Radiation is something you don't want if you don't need, but if you need it, by all means you want it. In my case, my age, the fact that I had macrometastasis in each of the positive lymph nodes (despite my tumor being small), and that only 7 nodes were dissected were the contributing factors.

I feel so much better now.

1 to 3

2006-03-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing:

If you have 4 positive nodes - seems you get radiation therapy - even after a mastectomy. No positive nodes - no radiation therapy. Pretty Simple.

But, what if you have 1 to 3 positive nodes? What's a girl to do?
Well, seems the experts don't know what to do with you.

"There is insufficient evidence to make recommendations or suggestions for the routine use of PMRT in patients with T1/2 tumors with one to three positive nodes."

Is it me, or is that a crock?

So here I am with possibly 2 or 3 positive nodes (don't know which since the pathologist did such a crappy job writing the path report) and I don't know whether to get radiation therapy or not. I don't want it if I don't need it. It damages your body, and cancer patients go through enough damage as it is with the surgeries and chemo; but if I do need it - if I'm one of the people it will help - then I want it. And I want it now, before I get breast reconstruction - it's the main reason why we delayed reconstruction in the first place and I certainly don't want a recurrance in a few years, after the reconstruction, only to have my new breasts destroyed. That is unacceptable.

Just a quick update

2006-02-27T00:36:00.000-05:00

Surgery went well.

Left side was clear.
Right side - 2/5 positive

Next surgery is to get port installed - then Chemo mid march.

Radiation still to be determined.

What a wonderful day!

2006-02-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

Today has brought me so much peace.

First I was able to do some detective work and get in touch with two of my friends from high school. It's been way too long since I spoke with either of them, and I had lost their phone numbers long ago. Yes, I learned my lesson and wrote them in my address book this time.

"Bubbles" as I'll refer to her here is such a special person. We have one of those relationships where it doesn't matter how long it has been since we've spoke - we pick right up where we left off. This time was no different. It simply lightened my heart to hear her, to reminisce with her, and to let her know how very special she is to me. In fact, she will probably be one of the few people from my real life who know about this blog. No one else knows - I'm afraid that they won't understand me, judge me, etc... But I have the strongest desire to share this with "Bubbles". I can trust in her friendship.

The other great news is my sister got in touch with my Dad. He wants to see me! I'm so excited. I was so worried that he may be harboring bad feelings about some events from our past and he was the one telling my sister that he hopes I'm not harboring any bad feelings. I can't wait to talk to him.

I'm so sorry that it has taken haven breast cancer to reopen some of the doors from my past - but so grateful that I haven't let fear keep those doors closed.

Getting closer

2006-02-02T18:54:00.000-05:00

Yes. It feels like things are finally moving along. I saw my oncologist today and he's scheduled me for a CT scan and actually had someone draw my blood. It has amazed me that I've been diagnosed with cancer since November and I haven't had any blood work done yet except for anything they may have done specifically for the surgeries I've had. I'm so relieved that Dr. Thunder is on top of things. He even called my house yesterday to make sure I was doing well and hadn't fallen through the cracks! And he seems very excited about getting me into a clincal trial - it's just a matter of finding out more information concerning my cancer and determining which trials I'd be able to participate in. He seems to have his eye on one in particular B-38. I hope I can participate.

After the surgery I'm hoping to go with my Mom and Sister to pick up the wig I've selected. It was more expensive then I was thinking but I think it looked great and since I hate hats, and I know Z-man is nervous about seeing me bald so I think it will be worth every penny. I'm buying local, but here's a link to the Claire by Noriko. The color we liked is a lot darker than my natural color but I figured:

No one here really knows me - so who'd care.

I'm going to allow myself to find the fun in whatever I can - and if changing my color looks good - then changing the color it is.

I did stop by a local store yesterday to try on their $25 dollar wigs - ahem - that ain't happening.

One last question before I go to bed

2006-02-02T02:42:00.000-05:00

How do I stop worring that every little cough isn't lung metastasis, or every ache bone metastasis, or every cramp liver/ovarian cancer...

When does caution become paranoia?

Genetics

2006-02-02T00:23:00.000-05:00

Forgot to mention earlier that today I received a letter (and call) from the Genetics Councling place I'm dealing with. During my initial consultation I was told that the favored model (of four) indicated 3.9% risk of having the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation. But one of the models indicated a risk as high as 7.8% - still not high at all; in fact, 10% used to be their low level threshold. But during the course of the conversation that day - they discovered that I had multiple tumors, and while they said it would increase my odds of having the mution to well over the 10% threshold (and therefore did recommend that I proceed with the testing if I was comfortable with all of the implications) - I certainly wasn't expecting the 3.9% model to jump up to 51%. And none of the models used took into account my cousin, who had a double mastectomy (with reconstruction) the day after I had my surgery - she too had multiple tumors.

Since my cousin and I found out about our cancers at the same time, neither of us expected to be very high risk because the only person in our family who's had cancer was our grandmother; all of her daughters have been fine. Seems funny - before I had cancer I wasn't high risk at all. In fact, I kinda felt like my case wasn't taken too seriously because I was low risk, and relatively young - everyone thought it would be nothing. Guess we all thought wrong.

Laughter the best...

2006-02-01T18:10:00.000-05:00

I spoke with the boys last night about the upcoming surgery. Neither of them really understood what was going on. So it was good that I had the opportunity to be alone with each of them for a few minutes. Boys being boys, the discussion didn't take too long, but I certainly didn't want to surprise them by coming home from the hospital with no breasts and have to say "Oops - didn't we tell you?".

We use a lot of humor to get used to the idea of me with no hair, and no boobs. Zman, knowing it would be good for me to gain a few more pounds so when I have reconstruction there is more for the docs to work with suggested that I stop drinking diet soda and move up to the real stuff. I jokingly said "Great! So I'll have no hair, no boobs and no teeth! Won't that be a site" He enjoyed the humor of it all - any chance to make fun of mom.

Good news

2006-01-31T21:32:00.000-05:00

Finally got a date for surgery today! Didn't think I'd be so excited about having surgery, but I'm very anxious to get this overwith.

Also received word today that disability has been approved. - what a relief!

If you've been here before you'll notice a new layout. I've decided to take some of the extra time I have and put it to use learning more about html/css, etc. I can't even tell you which version this is - it went through so many tweaks - and when I finally got something I liked in Firefox - it looked horrible in IE then vice/versa.

Oh yeah - the MRI results came back a few days ago - there are a few suspicious spots on the left side as well - looks like we're doing an SNB overthere too.

Forgot to mention

2006-01-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

Had the MRI today - all in all it wasn't a bad experience. I actually found it rather relaxing and would have enjoyed staying there longer - the only bad part was getting lost on our way there (somehow these incidents always end up being my fault - which brings out feelings/emotions I truly would rather not be dealing with at this time).

And of course, the obligatory waiting for the results.

Hate that part.

Passion

2006-01-23T21:48:00.000-05:00

Last night my son went with his girlfriend to her church's Sunday night service. Afterwards he called and said they were at a friends house, and he wanted to stay and watch the Passion of Christ. He's only 14 years old, and when the movie came out a few years ago, my husband and I felt that he, and more to the point, his younger brother were too young to watch; so when given this opportunity he knew to call and ask our permission - which I gave - but with mixed feelings.

See, I wanted to experience seeing this movie with him. I wanted to be part of that part of his life. I wanted to share this with him. But, I could not use my greed of his time/emotion/affection to hold him back and stop him from sharing this experience with his friends. How blessed I am that he has chosen friends who would choose to learn more about Jesus.

How blessed I am.

Reconstruction - Genetics - Dad

2006-01-22T15:58:00.000-05:00

During my first meeting with Dr. Thunder he mentioned that there is only a 30% chance that I'll have more positive nodes. On the surface, that may sound good, but since I Dr. gr8 told me I only had a 30% chance of having cancer once I walked into his office with microcalcifications on my mammograms - and I was on the losing side of that bet - 30% seems like alot to me now. That, and I know he ran the numbers based on grade 2 (when I could be grade 3), and on a 1cm focus in my SNB, and it could have been anywhere from .2cm to 2cm. So when the Dr. Avp mentioned he can't actually do the type of procedure I want (he can do the Tram flap, not the DIEP so it looks like I'll have to go out of town - which is a scheduling nightmare), and that he'd only be able to make me a small 'B' cup - and if I need radiation it could have a negative effect on the work he'd be doing, possibly shrinking the reconstructed breast 10-15% and making it hard and unnatural feeling - we've decided to do delayed reconstruction. I'm rather disappointed in that I really didn't want to look down and see nothing. It scares me quite frankly - but I do think that in the long run I'll be much happer with this decision. It will just be hard to get to that point.

I also had the prescreening for genetic testing. At first it didn't look like I really needed to be there, by the four different models they used, none of which take into account third-degree relatives, I was at < 10% chance of having a genetic mutation and 10% used to be their threshold for testing. However, during the course of the conversation they seemed to be much more interested in me when they found out that I had multiple primary tumors. Oh yes,.... without rerunning the numbers I'm definately > 10% - so we drew the blood and as long as the insurances ok's the testing we'll find out in a month or so if I'm positive for the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation.

Oh, and on a very personal note - my sister (half w/mom) is supposed to be informing my bio dad this weekend of my condition. I'm grateful to my sister for making this phone call, because I can't; but I want him to know so he can inform his two daughters, so they have all the info they need to take care of themselves. I hope it goes well.

Calling Dr. Avp

2006-01-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

So far we have Dr. gr8, and Dr. Thunder - tomorrow I get to add a new doc (we'll call him Dr. Avp) to the portfolio - this one is the plastic surgeon. My sister-in-law is very excited for me. She once worked in his office and highly recommends him. I hope he says I can have the DIEP procedure as immediate reconstruction. It would be wonderful to not have to go through the next - I don't know - six months - with only one boob. That has to be psychology disturbing. It will be bad enough not having nipples.

There seems to be a small number of Docs who are experienced with the DIEP and from what I've read it's best to go with someone who's done at least 100. [I don't want to be stupid about this, but I really do hate when people say that. If it weren't for the 100 people who don't follow that advice, we wouldn't have any docs experienced at anything - to me it all reeks of elitism - I'm going to see Dr. A in LA, or I'm going to see Dr. K in NY - Me.... I'm going to see Dr. Avp - right here in my home town - cause that's the one my insurance will pay for - pretty much brings an end to that discussion - don't you think?]

Slow going...

2006-01-09T23:49:00.000-05:00

Things are going so slow...

I can't believe I'm still sitting here, and I have no idea when my surgery will be. I understand Doctors are busy people, but I tell you what. I'm tired of sitting in doctor's offices for over an hour past my scheduled time - feeling rushed once I'm in there, and leaving with no real answers. Such as why does sample 1706 get a grading of 3 (poorly differentiated), while my tumors with the same characteristic is considered moderately differentiated? Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping it is grade 2 vs grade 3 - I just want to make sure it isn't grade 3, and they treat me for grade 2. I've asked two doctors so far, no answer.

There has to be a better way.

Today I met with my oncologist - but I really need to meet with a surgeon, and a plastic surgeon - but because of insurance changes I can't see them for at least anothe r week. The oncologist really won't be doing anything with me until after surgery, but still wants to see me once I get an MRI done.

Emotionally, this is exhausting. I'm prepping myself for chemo and rads - but now, I'm thinking it won't be until feb/march that I'll be going through that. I want to get this over!!!

Baby Teeth

2006-01-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

Having changed states we needed to register our cars. Apparently in our old state, they mail you the title when you buy the car and the finance company has a lien on it. I don't remember getting a title for any car I've ever had there, but that's their story - so we need to either find the title, or get a new one.

So we looked in the only place it could possibly be found - my jewelry box. While we did find paper work for a jeep, it was for the one we owned before this one so looks like we'll be making a trip back home soon, which was in our plans anyway so no big deal.

While going through my jewelry box we also came across an assortment of baby teeth. I'm not sure which tooth belonged to which child - I'm not that organized - and while at the time I remember thinking that I'd be able to tell them apart - I've certainly learned over that years that I tend to give myself far too much credit for things like that. (I also no longer remember which year their school photos were taken).

So not knowing whose tooth was whose, my husband asked "What are you going to do with them?." He kinda thought it would be weird for the kids to have teeth that might belong to their brother. It got me wondering. If the kids take the teeth - they are either going to get rid of them at sometime, or have them when they die. What then? Will their children want them? their grandchildren? I know of no baby teeth that have been handed down for generations in my family... so I'm thinking that somewhere along the line all these teeth have been thrown away - and that breaks my heart.

So when my husband asked "What are you going to do with them?" I said the only thing that makes sense to me - "I want to be buried with them". At first I was kidding. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to like then love the idea.

The love I feel toward my children amazes me. It was only after they were born that I came to realize how much my mother loved me - and it blew me away. They are simply incredible. And that somehow, I am fortunate enough to get to spend my time with them, to watch them grow into responsible, entertaining, loving, respectful, humorous, individuals ... well, quite simply it humbles me. I adore them - not because I am their mom, but because of who they are. So, yes if they don't want their baby teeth - I'd be honored for them to be buried with me. So I may not have found the title to our car that day. But I did find something that will bring me great comfort - I way to have a part of my children with me - eternally.

Giant Pandas - National Zoo| FONZ

2006-01-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

Giant Pandas - National Zoo| FONZ... too cute!

Dogs

2006-01-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

Going over to my in-laws house has been fun of late. They have two dogs, both are fun to watch and play with - but their puppy, who is a blind, giant schnauser (45+ pounds and growing) seems to be rather fond of me. Everyone has started commenting about how she comes to me more than everyone else. They all seem rather amazed, though I don't know why - it's not like my personality is so awful that even a blind pup would hate me! So, I really didn't give them any mind, till I read this. Perhaps... they're on to something.

Minor Milestones

2006-01-06T15:17:00.000-05:00

I went shopping for a bit today. Since I'm making a promise to myself, that in this house, the walls will not be naked for 14 years - I decided to take a plunge and spend a little $ on some decorations for the powder room. Having never had a powder room before, I find it pretty exciting (oops! another reference to that b-o-r-i-n-g issue that I mentioned yesterday.) - but finally for the first time in my life I get to decorate a room from scratch. But that's what happens when you've never had your own place, going directly from living w/Mom to being married to Mr. Wonderful (it's an inside thing).[BTW - minor regrets only - certainly would do it again]

But back to decorating... Of course, I need to keep in mind that I'm not the only person living here - so I can't do an all b/w photography wall (which I'd love to have somewhere - but I'm the only person in this house who seems to appreciate b/w photography, so - no wall). But since that wouldn't look right in the powder room anyway I needed to choose something else. Well, there were so many options.... but considering our current health related state of affairs I decided on some Zen like 'harmony', 'tranquility', etc plaques, a new wicker trashbasket (a steal for $6.00), and a trinket box of sorts which I have no specific use for, but I really liked it and splurged. (Very uncharacteristic of me). All of that was pretty exciting, a small accomplishment, a milestone reached. But actually, there were two.

Today, I bought a hat. For most people buying a hat probably isn't a big deal. People buy hats all the time. My children wear hats, my husband (who I think looks mighty fine in his Superbowl Champion baseball cap) wears his on occassion. I however don't. I'm not a hat person - don't like them - look stupid in them - and to make matters worse, I always get a terrible case of static cling when I wear one. It could be colder than cold, and I'll be sitting there, all the heat from my body escaping through my unclothed head. But, because my treatment is taking forever it has given me time to get used to the idea that I'm going to need one - and though I've been scouting around a bit lately - today I saw a reversible, pink (as much as I hate the idea of it - I'm a pastel kinda girl), hat on sale. And when I tried it on, I thought - not so bad.

So, perhaps I'll start wearing the hat when we go visit family - just so they get used to seeing me in it, and so I'll get used to wearing one.

Perhaps.

Inspired by Amanda

2006-01-06T02:36:00.000-05:00

I was inspired by Amanda to update my blog - She did such a wonderful updating hers. I know it's new, but it was so.... < insert unflattering adjective here>... so I played around for a few days until I got something I sorta like. I'm sure I'll be changing it again - and I definitely want to adjust the colors a bit to make it easier to read - but it's late and I can't do anymore this evening.

It's already a 'guess I'm sleeping on the sofa' night - and I have far too many of those. (Don't want to wake the hubby by climbing into bed; quiet is not my forte.) Anyway, perhaps I'll get the chance to fall asleep to a rerun of Project Runway, or "The Village" (I think that's the title; I'm so embarrassed to say I watch that show, but it amazes me. I used to work for a computer dating service, so the whole concept is a bit intersting to me anyway - and since I married rather young - well, let's just say the lifestyles on that show certainly differed from mine, and since I've lead a rather b-o-r-i-n-g life, I try to hang out with interesting people, and live vicarously through them. It's worked pretty well so far.)

See you in the morning :D

Breast Cancer: The Importance of Self-Exams, Second Opinions, and Prayer

2005-12-17T18:43:00.000-05:00

Breast Cancer: The Importance of Self-Exams, Second Opinions, and Prayer: "Lord, whether in my life or in my death, I just want you to use me."

Clinical Trials

2005-12-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

"Approximately 3% of cancer patients participate in clinical trials; but 100% of the treatments available today are the result of clinical trials."

... Dr. Thunder mentioned the possiblity of participating in a clinical trial. If I can, and if insurance isn't an issue... I'd like to. For the women of tomorrow, and as a thank you to all the women before for us who've done so much to help us.

BRCA testing

2005-12-16T15:47:00.000-05:00

... the coverage doesn't make sense to me.

I'm 41. I have breast cancer.
My grandmother had breast cancer, my mom says she thinks she was 51.
My cousin (the oldest granddaughter, I'm second oldest) has breast cancer. She's younger than 45.

If I was 40 when diagnosed instead of 41... I'd be covered.
(Missed it by just over 3 months)

If my grandmother were < 50... I'd be covered.

If my cousin were my aunt/niece ... I'd be covered.

But their not/I'm not... and, even though my mother doesn't have cancer,

since her daughter is younger than 45
or
since her neice is younger than 45 (either one works)

she has a first or second degree relative with early onset breast cancer, and she'd be covered for the testing.

My mom/sister can get genetic testing because I'm younger than 45... but I can't.

Really, that doesn't make sense to me.

Every click is doubled this month!

2005-12-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

See the pink ribbon in the upper corner of my sight? If you haven't already - please click it. It takes you to a page with a pink button that says "FUND FREE MAMMOGRAMS - Click here daily" Please click...every click is doubled this month - so far 161 free mammograms have been earned.

Diagnostic Update

2005-12-16T10:14:00.000-05:00

Results from last surgery.

A - left breast mass was benign :D
B - 1st node was normal :D
C - 2nd node was not. Macrometastatis .2cm - 2 cm (perhaps it is me, but that seems rather vague)...
D - Right breast mass (Area 3) - DCIS 0 margin.
E - Re-excision of Right breast mass (Area 1) DCIS - 1mm margin.

What it means. Well - simply more surgery. Margins aren't good enough, and Area 3 which we previously thought was precancerous - was cancerous - so we're doing a mastectomy & axillary lymph node dissection.

I finally met with an oncologist, and he's scheduling an MRI to take a closer look at the left. He also wants me to have genetic testing done. By the end of all of this it might even be a double mastectomy. When I left the Onc's (Dr. Thunder's) office, I had the impression that he didn't think that the lumpectomy was ever a very good option for me. Makes me wish I'd met him sooner.

Oh, and as much as I didn't want to do this - it seemed only fair to my employer - I went on short term disability this week. Too much testing. Too many surgeries. - I don't have enough vacation/sick leave for it all.

Blood Test Results Normal Range Reference Chart - BloodBook, Blood Information for Life

2005-12-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

BLOOD

Don't know if it has much to do with Breast Cancer per se - but still found it an interesting reference

Call for Submissions - Artwork

2005-12-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping to get back into writing and photography soon - need to take the camera in for a checkup. But I found this link, and wanted to share.

"We want artwork that will touch the heart & encourage the spirit." - Oncolink

Hope

... my entry - perhaps.

SNB

2005-12-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

A short one:

Had surgery a few days ok. Dr. gr8 says he thinks the mass on the left is just a fibroid and will not be an issue. (yeah!) However, this means that Dr. gr8 does have the previously denied ability to make some sort of judgement based on what he sees during the actual surgical procedure. During the first biopsy he wouldn't say one way or the other - and now I'm sure he knew, just wasn't going to say anything until the path results came back. So this time, when I ask about the sentinel nodes (he took two) - he can't say. We just need to wait for the results. I don't have a warm and fuzzy about all of this, not with the swelling and all. If I had to guess, I'm expecting to be going back in to get more nodes taken out. But I need to wait until Thurday to know for sure. I wish I had a more clear timeline of what was going to be happening when. Everything seems to be going so slowly.

As far as the recover goes, my husband has been wonderful. I was hoping to go back to work today, but I almost passed out last night - and that rather freaked me out. I don't have as much energy today, and my drain is bloodier that before - yuk.

Round 1

2005-12-06T19:50:00.000-05:00

Today I paid a visit to Dr. gr8 - just to make sure I understand the process of what's going on, who does what, etc... and to have him check out the lump in my arm and, another lump in my left breast - small enough for me to worry about being paranoid, big enough for me to actually get up the nerve to say something. So, now it looks like he'll be doing a biopsy on the left (yep - he felt it too), a lumpectomy on the right, and if the sentinel node isn't the one that is palpable (though odds seem good that it will be) - he'll be taking out two. I also found out some more info:

He doesn't do frozens since they don't seem to be reliable.

One mass was ER+/PR-/HER2 neu,

One mass was ER+/PR+/HER neu

Now I need to do more research....

"You seem to have a good attitude" ...

2005-12-06T00:12:00.000-05:00

said the coworker on finding out about my cancer.

Well, I figure today is just as important as any of the tomorrow's I might be afraid of losing. I'm not ready to lose either one, and I'm not going to let the cancer win that easily.

I'm nervous

2005-12-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

I know that whatever I'm dealing with, I've had for years and if I hadn't had my exam I'd probably still be walking round thinking everything was fine - instead of the "I can't believe I have cancer" chant that runs beneath and behind every thought. I know that however bad it is, technology is better, treatments are better, and my outlook is better than it would have been years ago. But, I'm still a bit nervous/scared... found a lump in my arm pit this afternoon - I don't think I'm going to be Stage 1 for long. (I'm allowing myself some time - a few hours to a day - to digest bad news - after that it's prayers, and positive thinking - well, that's the plan).

Memorial - Wendie Jo Sperber

2005-12-01T20:21:00.000-05:00

I don't remember Wendie Jo Sperber; but I saw the headline "Bosom Buddies" Wendie Jo Sperber Dies, and though I didn't watch the show that often, I do remember it being on TV. And I knew that she probably wasn't that old - so I clicked. These types of reminders about how deadly breast cancer can be are difficult to deal with - but, since my curiosity about her was peaked - I did more research - and instead of being depressed about what she went through, and what so many women have gone through, and will be going through - I find myself inspired by her desire to make a difference - and hope that I can one day make a difference - do something to improve the life of others - even one other. Finding the good - making lemonade out of lemons, (illuminade) well... that's what I hope to focus on. And I'm sure many women are greatful for the generosity, compassion and love they've received at weSPARK ... thanks Wendie Jo.

Subtle Hints

2005-11-30T21:10:00.000-05:00

Back in October we went shopping for appliances at the local mall when we were taken by some of the artwork in the Thomas Kinkade gallery show window. I couldn't believe it, but somehow, I found myself walking throught the gallery with my husband (who's not usually prone to doing such things). We left empty handed, but on the way home we discussed how nice it would be to buy one of his pieces in the future. Well, the future came the following weekend - before the diagnosis, before we settled on the house! We'd have to wait a few weeks for the piece to arrive, but we were really excited about the purchase. We didn't think about it much - in fact I forgot about the details - I knew it had a lighthouse, and the sea... but that's all. I didn't even remember the name.

Last Sunday, Donna from the gallery called to inform us that our painting "Courage" had arrived. How appropriate, I thought.

"Courage, my new Life Values painting,
expands on the metaphor of a sea voyage,
bringing us to the moment of divine
inspiration, when God graces us with
courage beyond the merely human — the
resolve we need to overcome any obstacle.

"I make full use of a vocabulary of personal
artistic symbols to convey this message:
God rewards our perseverance with His gift
of courage. Our lone sailor has come within
sight of a lighthouse; the beacon of divine
love will guide him to shore. Smoke curls
from the chimney of the keeper's solid brick
cottage, hinting at domestic comforts
within. A sublime radiance breaks through
the clouds, embracing the boat in its holy
light.

I painted Courage at a time when I was
especially grateful for God's hand of
deliverance in my life. May it remind you
that courage is, truly, a gift from the
Almighty."

................................-- Thomas Kinkade

Diagnosis

2005-11-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

Pathology report:

Diagnosis

A: "Periareolar Lesion Right Breast": Fibroadipose breast tissue exhibiting focal histologic changes consistent with previous biopsy site (see #####) with focal ductal carcinoma in situ, comedo type (High Grade), and assocated microscopic focus (0.2 cm in greatest dimension) of moderately differentiated infiltrating ductal carcinoma (See Part B)

B: "Right Breast Mass": Fibroadipose Breast tissue exhibiging focal histological changes consistent with previous biopsy site (see #####) with focus of moderately differentiated infiltrating ductal carinoma measuring up to approximately 1.0 x .5 cm on slide, in a background of ductal carcinoma in situ, comedo type (high grade). Tumor Focally involves labeled edge of specimen.

Microscopic Description

A: Section revals fibroadipose breast tissue with focal intraductal prolferation of atypical cells. These cells have increased nuclear cytoplasmic ratios and hyperchromatic pleomorphic nuclei. Microscopic focus of infiltrating tumor is noted with these cells have hyperchromatic and pleomorphic nuclei. Tubule formation score is 3, nuclear pleomorphism score is 3, mitotic rate score is 2. Dr. ####### concurs.

B: Section reveals findings similar to those seen in part A. Central necrosis is noted in intraepithelial proliferations. ADditional, section B3 reveals infiltrating tumor with characteristics similar to those seen in part A. Tumor focally involves labeled edge of specimen. Dr. ###### concurs.

When God drives you to Burger King

2005-11-29T01:09:00.000-05:00

It gets your attention.

You know how when you're busy running the kids from place to place, going to work, cooking, unpacking (yes, between mammogram and diagnosis - we've bought a house - nothing like a little excitement to keep you up at night), shopping, etc. well, sometimes you just don't get the time to deal with emotions... and then you're alone, your husband and kids are out of town and you are by yourself for the first time in what seems ages, and when you park your car outside of the lines at the Bar-B-Q place, you get so frustrated that you just pull off and go to Burger King instead. So there you are, in line at Burger King... searching through the contact list in your cell phone for someone to call... anyone. But you don't want them to worry over nothing - so you can only tell a few, very special friends - but they all live 500 miles away - and you really just want someone to talk to - face to face - and no one is there... and it sneaks up on you - all of the emotions of the past few weeks - BAM - while you're waiting for the guy in front of you to finish ordering his Whopper his way, you realize just how alone you are.

You order food - because you know you need to eat - not because you want it. And while you're eating, you're crying.... eating, crying... crying and eating... and when it's time to go - the angels come.

Without going into too many of the details, two dear women came to my rescue that day, one from the table in front of me & one from the table in the middle of the restaurant. They didn't know me, but the saw someone who needed someone to talk to and they were brave enough, and generous enough to leave their families for just a few minutes and show that they cared, about me, about someone they didn't know anything about, just someone who needed a friend - and found two. After I told them about everything I was going through we prayed, and exchanged phone numbers, and I felt less alone ...

p.s. Later, I discovered that the first woman doesn't usually go to Burger King, but because she was doing something special for some of her children, she went there that day. And the other woman, was trying to go the McD's because that's where her son wanted to eat, but she kept missing the entrances, so she ended up at BK instead. So of the three of us, being at Burger King was either not part of our normal routine, or not our intention when went to get something to eat that afternoon.

First and foremost

2005-11-29T00:15:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed. Even though there will be difficult times ahead, I am so comforted by the love and support of my family and friends (both old and new, both here and there). But I am most comforted the experiences I've had lately that have shown me, that without a doubt, I am not alone in this.

It is my hope that this journal will be a record of discoveries - mostly pleasant, life affirming discoveries. I can't promise that a few self-indulgent posts won't find there way here and one point or another - for creating a place to be honest with myself, and honest with anyone else who might be reading these pages is also one of the goals of this particular endeavor - it is also important that while I'm going through what ever lies ahead these next few months(?) - I have a reason to look for the positive, the good, and the hopeful moments - so I can share them ... here with you, and me for the times when I might need a reminder of moments good.

That being said - one thing I'm certainly grateful for is that it is not 1811.