Surgery went well.

Left side was clear.
Right side - 2/5 positive

Next surgery is to get port installed - then Chemo mid march.

Radiation still to be determined.

Today has brought me so much peace.

First I was able to do some detective work and get in touch with two of my friends from high school. It's been way too long since I spoke with either of them, and I had lost their phone numbers long ago. Yes, I learned my lesson and wrote them in my address book this time.

"Bubbles" as I'll refer to her here is such a special person. We have one of those relationships where it doesn't matter how long it has been since we've spoke - we pick right up where we left off. This time was no different. It simply lightened my heart to hear her, to reminisce with her, and to let her know how very special she is to me. In fact, she will probably be one of the few people from my real life who know about this blog. No one else knows - I'm afraid that they won't understand me, judge me, etc... But I have the strongest desire to share this with "Bubbles". I can trust in her friendship.

The other great news is my sister got in touch with my Dad. He wants to see me! I'm so excited. I was so worried that he may be harboring bad feelings about some events from our past and he was the one telling my sister that he hopes I'm not harboring any bad feelings. I can't wait to talk to him.

I'm so sorry that it has taken haven breast cancer to reopen some of the doors from my past - but so grateful that I haven't let fear keep those doors closed.

Yes. It feels like things are finally moving along. I saw my oncologist today and he's scheduled me for a CT scan and actually had someone draw my blood. It has amazed me that I've been diagnosed with cancer since November and I haven't had any blood work done yet except for anything they may have done specifically for the surgeries I've had. I'm so relieved that Dr. Thunder is on top of things. He even called my house yesterday to make sure I was doing well and hadn't fallen through the cracks! And he seems very excited about getting me into a clincal trial - it's just a matter of finding out more information concerning my cancer and determining which trials I'd be able to participate in. He seems to have his eye on one in particular B-38. I hope I can participate.

After the surgery I'm hoping to go with my Mom and Sister to pick up the wig I've selected. It was more expensive then I was thinking but I think it looked great and since I hate hats, and I know Z-man is nervous about seeing me bald so I think it will be worth every penny. I'm buying local, but here's a link to the Claire by Noriko. The color we liked is a lot darker than my natural color but I figured:

No one here really knows me - so who'd care.

I'm going to allow myself to find the fun in whatever I can - and if changing my color looks good - then changing the color it is.

I did stop by a local store yesterday to try on their $25 dollar wigs - ahem - that ain't happening.

How do I stop worring that every little cough isn't lung metastasis, or every ache bone metastasis, or every cramp liver/ovarian cancer...

When does caution become paranoia?

Forgot to mention earlier that today I received a letter (and call) from the Genetics Councling place I'm dealing with. During my initial consultation I was told that the favored model (of four) indicated 3.9% risk of having the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation. But one of the models indicated a risk as high as 7.8% - still not high at all; in fact, 10% used to be their low level threshold. But during the course of the conversation that day - they discovered that I had multiple tumors, and while they said it would increase my odds of having the mution to well over the 10% threshold (and therefore did recommend that I proceed with the testing if I was comfortable with all of the implications) - I certainly wasn't expecting the 3.9% model to jump up to 51%. And none of the models used took into account my cousin, who had a double mastectomy (with reconstruction) the day after I had my surgery - she too had multiple tumors.

Since my cousin and I found out about our cancers at the same time, neither of us expected to be very high risk because the only person in our family who's had cancer was our grandmother; all of her daughters have been fine. Seems funny - before I had cancer I wasn't high risk at all. In fact, I kinda felt like my case wasn't taken too seriously because I was low risk, and relatively young - everyone thought it would be nothing. Guess we all thought wrong.

I spoke with the boys last night about the upcoming surgery. Neither of them really understood what was going on. So it was good that I had the opportunity to be alone with each of them for a few minutes. Boys being boys, the discussion didn't take too long, but I certainly didn't want to surprise them by coming home from the hospital with no breasts and have to say "Oops - didn't we tell you?".

We use a lot of humor to get used to the idea of me with no hair, and no boobs. Zman, knowing it would be good for me to gain a few more pounds so when I have reconstruction there is more for the docs to work with suggested that I stop drinking diet soda and move up to the real stuff. I jokingly said "Great! So I'll have no hair, no boobs and no teeth! Won't that be a site" He enjoyed the humor of it all - any chance to make fun of mom.