Back in October we went shopping for appliances at the local mall when we were taken by some of the artwork in the Thomas Kinkade gallery show window. I couldn't believe it, but somehow, I found myself walking throught the gallery with my husband (who's not usually prone to doing such things). We left empty handed, but on the way home we discussed how nice it would be to buy one of his pieces in the future. Well, the future came the following weekend - before the diagnosis, before we settled on the house! We'd have to wait a few weeks for the piece to arrive, but we were really excited about the purchase. We didn't think about it much - in fact I forgot about the details - I knew it had a lighthouse, and the sea... but that's all. I didn't even remember the name.

Last Sunday, Donna from the gallery called to inform us that our painting "Courage" had arrived. How appropriate, I thought.

"Courage, my new Life Values painting,
expands on the metaphor of a sea voyage,
bringing us to the moment of divine
inspiration, when God graces us with
courage beyond the merely human — the
resolve we need to overcome any obstacle.

"I make full use of a vocabulary of personal
artistic symbols to convey this message:
God rewards our perseverance with His gift
of courage. Our lone sailor has come within
sight of a lighthouse; the beacon of divine
love will guide him to shore. Smoke curls
from the chimney of the keeper's solid brick
cottage, hinting at domestic comforts
within. A sublime radiance breaks through
the clouds, embracing the boat in its holy
light.

I painted Courage at a time when I was
especially grateful for God's hand of
deliverance in my life. May it remind you
that courage is, truly, a gift from the
Almighty."

................................-- Thomas Kinkade

Pathology report:

Diagnosis

A: "Periareolar Lesion Right Breast": Fibroadipose breast tissue exhibiting focal histologic changes consistent with previous biopsy site (see #####) with focal ductal carcinoma in situ, comedo type (High Grade), and assocated microscopic focus (0.2 cm in greatest dimension) of moderately differentiated infiltrating ductal carcinoma (See Part B)

B: "Right Breast Mass": Fibroadipose Breast tissue exhibiging focal histological changes consistent with previous biopsy site (see #####) with focus of moderately differentiated infiltrating ductal carinoma measuring up to approximately 1.0 x .5 cm on slide, in a background of ductal carcinoma in situ, comedo type (high grade). Tumor Focally involves labeled edge of specimen.

Microscopic Description

A: Section revals fibroadipose breast tissue with focal intraductal prolferation of atypical cells. These cells have increased nuclear cytoplasmic ratios and hyperchromatic pleomorphic nuclei. Microscopic focus of infiltrating tumor is noted with these cells have hyperchromatic and pleomorphic nuclei. Tubule formation score is 3, nuclear pleomorphism score is 3, mitotic rate score is 2. Dr. ####### concurs.

B: Section reveals findings similar to those seen in part A. Central necrosis is noted in intraepithelial proliferations. ADditional, section B3 reveals infiltrating tumor with characteristics similar to those seen in part A. Tumor focally involves labeled edge of specimen. Dr. ###### concurs.

It gets your attention.

You know how when you're busy running the kids from place to place, going to work, cooking, unpacking (yes, between mammogram and diagnosis - we've bought a house - nothing like a little excitement to keep you up at night), shopping, etc. well, sometimes you just don't get the time to deal with emotions... and then you're alone, your husband and kids are out of town and you are by yourself for the first time in what seems ages, and when you park your car outside of the lines at the Bar-B-Q place, you get so frustrated that you just pull off and go to Burger King instead. So there you are, in line at Burger King... searching through the contact list in your cell phone for someone to call... anyone. But you don't want them to worry over nothing - so you can only tell a few, very special friends - but they all live 500 miles away - and you really just want someone to talk to - face to face - and no one is there... and it sneaks up on you - all of the emotions of the past few weeks - BAM - while you're waiting for the guy in front of you to finish ordering his Whopper his way, you realize just how alone you are.

You order food - because you know you need to eat - not because you want it. And while you're eating, you're crying.... eating, crying... crying and eating... and when it's time to go - the angels come.

Without going into too many of the details, two dear women came to my rescue that day, one from the table in front of me & one from the table in the middle of the restaurant. They didn't know me, but the saw someone who needed someone to talk to and they were brave enough, and generous enough to leave their families for just a few minutes and show that they cared, about me, about someone they didn't know anything about, just someone who needed a friend - and found two. After I told them about everything I was going through we prayed, and exchanged phone numbers, and I felt less alone ...

p.s. Later, I discovered that the first woman doesn't usually go to Burger King, but because she was doing something special for some of her children, she went there that day. And the other woman, was trying to go the McD's because that's where her son wanted to eat, but she kept missing the entrances, so she ended up at BK instead. So of the three of us, being at Burger King was either not part of our normal routine, or not our intention when went to get something to eat that afternoon.

I am so blessed. Even though there will be difficult times ahead, I am so comforted by the love and support of my family and friends (both old and new, both here and there). But I am most comforted the experiences I've had lately that have shown me, that without a doubt, I am not alone in this.

It is my hope that this journal will be a record of discoveries - mostly pleasant, life affirming discoveries. I can't promise that a few self-indulgent posts won't find there way here and one point or another - for creating a place to be honest with myself, and honest with anyone else who might be reading these pages is also one of the goals of this particular endeavor - it is also important that while I'm going through what ever lies ahead these next few months(?) - I have a reason to look for the positive, the good, and the hopeful moments - so I can share them ... here with you, and me for the times when I might need a reminder of moments good.

That being said - one thing I'm certainly grateful for is that it is not 1811.