Finally got a date for surgery today! Didn't think I'd be so excited about having surgery, but I'm very anxious to get this overwith.

Also received word today that disability has been approved. - what a relief!

If you've been here before you'll notice a new layout. I've decided to take some of the extra time I have and put it to use learning more about html/css, etc. I can't even tell you which version this is - it went through so many tweaks - and when I finally got something I liked in Firefox - it looked horrible in IE then vice/versa.

Oh yeah - the MRI results came back a few days ago - there are a few suspicious spots on the left side as well - looks like we're doing an SNB overthere too.

Had the MRI today - all in all it wasn't a bad experience. I actually found it rather relaxing and would have enjoyed staying there longer - the only bad part was getting lost on our way there (somehow these incidents always end up being my fault - which brings out feelings/emotions I truly would rather not be dealing with at this time).

And of course, the obligatory waiting for the results.

Hate that part.

Last night my son went with his girlfriend to her church's Sunday night service. Afterwards he called and said they were at a friends house, and he wanted to stay and watch the Passion of Christ. He's only 14 years old, and when the movie came out a few years ago, my husband and I felt that he, and more to the point, his younger brother were too young to watch; so when given this opportunity he knew to call and ask our permission - which I gave - but with mixed feelings.

See, I wanted to experience seeing this movie with him. I wanted to be part of that part of his life. I wanted to share this with him. But, I could not use my greed of his time/emotion/affection to hold him back and stop him from sharing this experience with his friends. How blessed I am that he has chosen friends who would choose to learn more about Jesus.

How blessed I am.

During my first meeting with Dr. Thunder he mentioned that there is only a 30% chance that I'll have more positive nodes. On the surface, that may sound good, but since I Dr. gr8 told me I only had a 30% chance of having cancer once I walked into his office with microcalcifications on my mammograms - and I was on the losing side of that bet - 30% seems like alot to me now. That, and I know he ran the numbers based on grade 2 (when I could be grade 3), and on a 1cm focus in my SNB, and it could have been anywhere from .2cm to 2cm. So when the Dr. Avp mentioned he can't actually do the type of procedure I want (he can do the Tram flap, not the DIEP so it looks like I'll have to go out of town - which is a scheduling nightmare), and that he'd only be able to make me a small 'B' cup - and if I need radiation it could have a negative effect on the work he'd be doing, possibly shrinking the reconstructed breast 10-15% and making it hard and unnatural feeling - we've decided to do delayed reconstruction. I'm rather disappointed in that I really didn't want to look down and see nothing. It scares me quite frankly - but I do think that in the long run I'll be much happer with this decision. It will just be hard to get to that point.

I also had the prescreening for genetic testing. At first it didn't look like I really needed to be there, by the four different models they used, none of which take into account third-degree relatives, I was at < 10% chance of having a genetic mutation and 10% used to be their threshold for testing. However, during the course of the conversation they seemed to be much more interested in me when they found out that I had multiple primary tumors. Oh yes,.... without rerunning the numbers I'm definately > 10% - so we drew the blood and as long as the insurances ok's the testing we'll find out in a month or so if I'm positive for the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation.

Oh, and on a very personal note - my sister (half w/mom) is supposed to be informing my bio dad this weekend of my condition. I'm grateful to my sister for making this phone call, because I can't; but I want him to know so he can inform his two daughters, so they have all the info they need to take care of themselves. I hope it goes well.

So far we have Dr. gr8, and Dr. Thunder - tomorrow I get to add a new doc (we'll call him Dr. Avp) to the portfolio - this one is the plastic surgeon. My sister-in-law is very excited for me. She once worked in his office and highly recommends him. I hope he says I can have the DIEP procedure as immediate reconstruction. It would be wonderful to not have to go through the next - I don't know - six months - with only one boob. That has to be psychology disturbing. It will be bad enough not having nipples.

There seems to be a small number of Docs who are experienced with the DIEP and from what I've read it's best to go with someone who's done at least 100. [I don't want to be stupid about this, but I really do hate when people say that. If it weren't for the 100 people who don't follow that advice, we wouldn't have any docs experienced at anything - to me it all reeks of elitism - I'm going to see Dr. A in LA, or I'm going to see Dr. K in NY - Me.... I'm going to see Dr. Avp - right here in my home town - cause that's the one my insurance will pay for - pretty much brings an end to that discussion - don't you think?]

Things are going so slow...

I can't believe I'm still sitting here, and I have no idea when my surgery will be. I understand Doctors are busy people, but I tell you what. I'm tired of sitting in doctor's offices for over an hour past my scheduled time - feeling rushed once I'm in there, and leaving with no real answers. Such as why does sample 1706 get a grading of 3 (poorly differentiated), while my tumors with the same characteristic is considered moderately differentiated? Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping it is grade 2 vs grade 3 - I just want to make sure it isn't grade 3, and they treat me for grade 2. I've asked two doctors so far, no answer.

There has to be a better way.

Today I met with my oncologist - but I really need to meet with a surgeon, and a plastic surgeon - but because of insurance changes I can't see them for at least anothe r week. The oncologist really won't be doing anything with me until after surgery, but still wants to see me once I get an MRI done.

Emotionally, this is exhausting. I'm prepping myself for chemo and rads - but now, I'm thinking it won't be until feb/march that I'll be going through that. I want to get this over!!!

Having changed states we needed to register our cars. Apparently in our old state, they mail you the title when you buy the car and the finance company has a lien on it. I don't remember getting a title for any car I've ever had there, but that's their story - so we need to either find the title, or get a new one.

So we looked in the only place it could possibly be found - my jewelry box. While we did find paper work for a jeep, it was for the one we owned before this one so looks like we'll be making a trip back home soon, which was in our plans anyway so no big deal.

While going through my jewelry box we also came across an assortment of baby teeth. I'm not sure which tooth belonged to which child - I'm not that organized - and while at the time I remember thinking that I'd be able to tell them apart - I've certainly learned over that years that I tend to give myself far too much credit for things like that. (I also no longer remember which year their school photos were taken).

So not knowing whose tooth was whose, my husband asked "What are you going to do with them?." He kinda thought it would be weird for the kids to have teeth that might belong to their brother. It got me wondering. If the kids take the teeth - they are either going to get rid of them at sometime, or have them when they die. What then? Will their children want them? their grandchildren? I know of no baby teeth that have been handed down for generations in my family... so I'm thinking that somewhere along the line all these teeth have been thrown away - and that breaks my heart.

So when my husband asked "What are you going to do with them?" I said the only thing that makes sense to me - "I want to be buried with them". At first I was kidding. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to like then love the idea.

The love I feel toward my children amazes me. It was only after they were born that I came to realize how much my mother loved me - and it blew me away. They are simply incredible. And that somehow, I am fortunate enough to get to spend my time with them, to watch them grow into responsible, entertaining, loving, respectful, humorous, individuals ... well, quite simply it humbles me. I adore them - not because I am their mom, but because of who they are. So, yes if they don't want their baby teeth - I'd be honored for them to be buried with me. So I may not have found the title to our car that day. But I did find something that will bring me great comfort - I way to have a part of my children with me - eternally.

Giant Pandas - National Zoo| FONZ... too cute!

Going over to my in-laws house has been fun of late. They have two dogs, both are fun to watch and play with - but their puppy, who is a blind, giant schnauser (45+ pounds and growing) seems to be rather fond of me. Everyone has started commenting about how she comes to me more than everyone else. They all seem rather amazed, though I don't know why - it's not like my personality is so awful that even a blind pup would hate me! So, I really didn't give them any mind, till I read this. Perhaps... they're on to something.

I went shopping for a bit today. Since I'm making a promise to myself, that in this house, the walls will not be naked for 14 years - I decided to take a plunge and spend a little $ on some decorations for the powder room. Having never had a powder room before, I find it pretty exciting (oops! another reference to that b-o-r-i-n-g issue that I mentioned yesterday.) - but finally for the first time in my life I get to decorate a room from scratch. But that's what happens when you've never had your own place, going directly from living w/Mom to being married to Mr. Wonderful (it's an inside thing).[BTW - minor regrets only - certainly would do it again]

But back to decorating... Of course, I need to keep in mind that I'm not the only person living here - so I can't do an all b/w photography wall (which I'd love to have somewhere - but I'm the only person in this house who seems to appreciate b/w photography, so - no wall). But since that wouldn't look right in the powder room anyway I needed to choose something else. Well, there were so many options.... but considering our current health related state of affairs I decided on some Zen like 'harmony', 'tranquility', etc plaques, a new wicker trashbasket (a steal for $6.00), and a trinket box of sorts which I have no specific use for, but I really liked it and splurged. (Very uncharacteristic of me). All of that was pretty exciting, a small accomplishment, a milestone reached. But actually, there were two.

Today, I bought a hat. For most people buying a hat probably isn't a big deal. People buy hats all the time. My children wear hats, my husband (who I think looks mighty fine in his Superbowl Champion baseball cap) wears his on occassion. I however don't. I'm not a hat person - don't like them - look stupid in them - and to make matters worse, I always get a terrible case of static cling when I wear one. It could be colder than cold, and I'll be sitting there, all the heat from my body escaping through my unclothed head. But, because my treatment is taking forever it has given me time to get used to the idea that I'm going to need one - and though I've been scouting around a bit lately - today I saw a reversible, pink (as much as I hate the idea of it - I'm a pastel kinda girl), hat on sale. And when I tried it on, I thought - not so bad.

So, perhaps I'll start wearing the hat when we go visit family - just so they get used to seeing me in it, and so I'll get used to wearing one.

Perhaps.

I was inspired by Amanda to update my blog - She did such a wonderful updating hers. I know it's new, but it was so.... < insert unflattering adjective here>... so I played around for a few days until I got something I sorta like. I'm sure I'll be changing it again - and I definitely want to adjust the colors a bit to make it easier to read - but it's late and I can't do anymore this evening.

It's already a 'guess I'm sleeping on the sofa' night - and I have far too many of those. (Don't want to wake the hubby by climbing into bed; quiet is not my forte.) Anyway, perhaps I'll get the chance to fall asleep to a rerun of Project Runway, or "The Village" (I think that's the title; I'm so embarrassed to say I watch that show, but it amazes me. I used to work for a computer dating service, so the whole concept is a bit intersting to me anyway - and since I married rather young - well, let's just say the lifestyles on that show certainly differed from mine, and since I've lead a rather b-o-r-i-n-g life, I try to hang out with interesting people, and live vicarously through them. It's worked pretty well so far.)

See you in the morning :D